Daddy

I`ve had daddy on my mind a lot lately. Daddy`s been gone since 2001. I never got along with daddy for many many years. Then he had a heart attack and he needed family. I loved him all those years but I didn`t like him. You see daddy drank very badly. All my growing up years were filled with bouts of drinking and all us kids doing without because of the drinking. Daddy would drink his pay check up and mama would have to get help from Grampa ( her dad) to see us through. I don`t see how mama got through it but she loved him so much I guess she was the glue that held everything together. I always held so much resentment towards him all those years, for the way we had to grow up. But I guess we all have a time in our lives when we ourselves start to look at others differently and instead of seeing the actions of a person, you start to wonder why ..what brought this person to this point. Thats what happened to me. I looked at daddy differently one day and wondered "What makes him want to drown himself in liquor?", "What happened to daddy ?", "Whats in his mind and heart that makes him try to destroy himself?"
I`d always thought that he`d always be here. I could never imagine a world without him in it. It`s funny ..when he was here I use to go visit but I couldn`t wait to leave as soon as I could. Then daddy had an awakening of sorts.. he gave his heart to the Lord, and he became a different person. He stopped drinking for the last probably fifteen or twenty years of his life. He was truely my daddy then. He`d say the blessing at the table , he`d go to church, he`d pray, and I know in my heart that even though the doctors said his heart was too damaged for him to live long, I knew that he had recieved a new heart , a kind heart. He loved us and tried to show it in his own way . But I don`t think daddy had a lot of love in his life before mama came along and he didn`t know how to show what he felt. Poor old thing, I guess its like not being able to speak..not being able to say " I love you" in time. Before its to late.
I grew closer to him in the latter part of his life, and as usual we`d even argue about religion. Mama said it was because we were so much alike that we always seemed to butt heads. I don`t know what it was but now when I think of him I wish I had a chance to go visit him and just sit and talk and talk and talk to him and tell him that I love him, really love him. I miss him. So much. I hope he knows that.
God bless.